Just looking for some critiquing on my opening chapter

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Just looking for some critiquing on my opening chapter

Postby howaboutno » Mon May 15, 2017 9:15 pm

My writing is horrendous and I was hoping to get some feedback,this is the opening and second chapter of a new book, i'm aware they are short. I'd like to add to them in the future. I've just joined critters so please forgive me if I'm doing this wrong and I'm supposed to be posting it somewhere else. Any criticism is appreciated, don't hold back, I would really like to start improving my writing so it's at least decent. Thanks, here it is:
LOTUS
The door slammed behind him. I let out a sigh of frustration. My fist landed down on the table with a 'bang'. What could possibly be wrong with my plans this time? Nothing! Nothing was wrong with them, if he actually followed them maybe we would win a battle once in a blue moon. But no, my plans were failures, it was completely my fault he wouldn't organize his flipping army. I grabbed my papers and stormed out the opposite door. Lucifer would have to cope without me for a day, I wasn't in the mood for his temper tantrums. I walked down a hallway, through the dining hall into the main room and out the door. The courtyard was ginormous, unkempt and basically a over glorified maze of colorful thorn bushes. Of course everyone else thought otherwise. 'Oh my, did they redo the garden again, I swear every time I come here it looks brand new' '
I wish my courtyard looked like that' 'oh look! Those fruits over there look perfectly ripe, the grounds keeper must put almost all his time into this place'
Every time I came here though, I saw the same twisted maze. Guess I lacked taste in that area. Oh well. Exiting the grounds, I pushed through the rusted gate and into the open streets. I fanned myself at the extreme heat. Thousands of years and I still wasn't used to it. Most of the demons around me were only a couple thousand years old. Not many people had gone as long as I had before really dying. Not in the sense of getting sent to heaven or hell but in the sense of losing our soul. Almost every mortal soul would live for eternity, demons and angels are constantly at war though. Just like war on earth, every battle has its casualties. For whatever reason, fate let me live much longer than anyone else here. No one would know though. Everyone looked to be in their primes. 5,000 years after my creation, I still looked like a girl in my 20s. Angels worked that way too, but trust me when I tell you you would be able to tell the difference between a angel and a demon. We do tend to dress dramatically differently but our auras are the thing you can identify us with. Angels make you feel safe and at home, a demons aura makes you feel intimidated and weak, the older you get the more powerful your aura becomes. As if he's begging me to give you an example, a red haired boy with a cigarette in his mouth trips me as I'm walking. I stand up quickly and grab his arm, quickly using my aura to make myself more intimidating.
"Do you know who your messing with kiddo?" I asked with a sneer.
"Uh-it was an accident, yeah, you kinda got in my way a the l-last second and-and" the boy stutters. I pinch my nose.
"Yeah sure, watch who you anger newbie, hells a dangerous place" I tell the young demon.
"I'm 350!" He shouts after me.
"Cool I'm almost 6,000" I call back as his eyes widened. I walked away quickly past the rest of the demons trying to get to my home before lights out. I could see the gates of my mansion when the light started draining away from the millions of lights above us. I sprinted towards the door and unlocked it quickly, shoving myself through and unlocking in behind me. Finally everything went pitch black and I was only in my court yard. I muttered a few curses as I fumbled towards my door. Finally finding the handle I pushed into my three story home. It was pretty big, not to big to keep clean but big enough to impress. I flipped on a light and unlaced my boots grabbing a granola bar in the kitchen and eating it on the way to my room. I opened my door and threw away the wrapper before falling on to my bed. I sighed and put a hand on my face. I was exhausted but got up to get ready for bed anyway. Even demons need some shut-eye.

><><><

I rubbed my eyes and rolled onto my stomach. Daytime was to bright. I tried waking up again by rolling back onto my back. I covered my eyes and attempted to roll onto my stomach. Instead I rolled onto the floor.
"Crap" I muttered as I rubbed my nose.
"Well that hurt" I complained to myself.
"Okey Lotus, we are going to wake up now!" I tried to stand up but tripped due to blankets wrapped around my feet.
"Oh my lord!" I yelled and fell onto my shoulder. I mumbled to myself as I untangled myself from my blankets and dragged myself to my bathroom before standing up and brushing my teeth.
This was how most morning went if I was careful enough. Sometimes it ended up much worse. Not to brag or anything but a few hundred years back I fell off my balcony. I grinned to myself and wiped my mouth.
"Okey Lotus, another boring day in (literally) Hell, let's get rolling!" I told myself with fake enthusiasm.
"Yeah!" I cheered myself on and went to go change.

ADELINE

I tapped my foot and grinned to myself as I waited. My boss was giving out promotions today during our meeting. I had been working harder than ever before. I got more messages between higher ranked angels than most of my department. I was praying that I would finally move up a rank from messenger. Unfortunately, the list ended quickly and my name had not been called. My shoulders sagged but I kept the smile on my face. I'd speak to Felix(my boss) after the meeting. I waited patiently as he ran over the list of problems that had come up in the last 6 months. The meeting was over after another half hour. Everyone left the room and I stood up and walked towards Felix.
"Um, Felix. You see, I've been working so hard the last few months and I've had a better ratio than some of the angels getting promotions. So I was wondering-" I started.
"Adeline, you've been doing fantastic at your job yes, but you're barely even 200 years old. I'm betting the older angels could handle a promotion much better. Do you really think you could handle being a guardian?" Felix asked. Before I could answer he up and left. I sighed.
Perhaps next time. I told myself and walked out of the room. I know I was young, but I worked so hard. I was devoted to my work. I spent more time out delivering messages than at my home. I filled in for anyone that needed it, everything was delivered before the due date, my schedule was flexible, I arrived on time everyday. What was I doing wrong? There has to be something that was holding me back from a promotion.
"Just work a little bit harder and you're sure to get a promotion" I told myself.
Yeah! I've got this!
I gathered my papers and exited the room, grabbing a empty cup of Coffee left by one of my coworkers on my way out. I quickly threw it into the trash can before skipping out of my building, ready to take on the day. Today I had 967 messages to deliver, the meeting had taken awhile so I only had eight hours to do so. I raced over to my closest delivery. It was a few streets away, I knocked out two more on the next street. I exited the lower region and entered the guardian division, delivering another 13 messages.
I had knocked out half if my messages by six o'clock, and I still had five hours, I would have plenty if time before my shift was over.
>< 2 1/2 HOURS LATER ><
I only had three messages left! One was going to and archangel so I was going to need to travel to the top of the pyramid. Angels all lived on a extremely large pyramid, lower class angel's(me) would live at the bottom and as you moved up the ranks you would move to the top. I raced through the towns and streets as fast as possible, my wings were aching but I pushed them to go faster. I dropped the letter in the mail slot and looked at my next letter, all the way at the bottom of the pyramid! I sighed.
I guess I'll just take the pool.
The pool was a portal angels could use to get from place to place, there was a three deed fine though, I only had seven deeds in my pocket but I decide to take the pool anyway. I walked through the city to find its local pool, I tried to remember where it was and was successful, finding it within a moment or two. I paid the gatekeeper and had him look at my letter's address. He played a certain rhythm on his drums and I stepped in.
I stepped out of the pool a moment later and found myself at the exact spot my letter had been addressed to. I put the letter in the mail slot and looked at my last one.
445667 NR
I had absolutely no idea where that was, deciding to take the pool for the second time today I found the nearest one. I showed the letter to the gatekeeper and he looked at me skeptically.
"The Father has picked his path for you" he muttered, barely above a whisper. I nodded respectfully, not understanding what he meant. He played a deep, unsettling tune on his drum, and I stepped into the pool.



Chapter 2


LOTUS
"Listen, all I'm saying is that it wouldn't be the worst thing to get someone else to organize the army" I pleaded with Lucifer.
"Im doing a fine job on my own Lotus" he replied as he doodled on a piece of paper. I clenched my fists in frustration.
"No your not! I organize a brand new battle strategy almost weekly and every goddamned time you barely even explain the strategy to your forces! Let alone actually enforce it!" I screamed at him. He slowly looked up from his doodle. This was one time I didn't appreciate the power of auras. He glared at me and I felt like shrinking into a corner and never coming out. I felt myself start shaking and a few stuttered words escaped my teeth.
"I-sorry-I-I mean-I didn't mean" my lip trembled and I sunk to the floor. Even I couldn't withstand his aura. He half-knelt in front of me, before lifting my chin to meet his gaze.
"Lets just not have that happen again, okay sweetheart?" He smirked at me. I nodded and turned my gaze back to the ground.
"Anyway, I won't be using any of your strategies this week, I have a field mission for you, one of our men has turned rogue and somehow has managed to make his way to earth. I need you to retrieve said demon. Sound good?" He asked me still smirking. I nodded my head and muttered a meek 'yes' as he exited the room. Once he had left, I shakily stood to my feet and decided to go home to rest up before my journey tomorrow.
As I walked through the courtyard I muttered to myself about how the hell Lucifer was ever planning to enter heaven without organizing his army. Whatever, so be it, it's not like I ever expected him to start taking his job seriously anyway. I played no attention on the way home and my eyes rested on the ground.
Upon arriving home, I decided to attempt to put a bag together for my journey to earth. Demons and Angels were much weaker on earth, almost as weak as a human being. I needed to pack a hell lot of food, warmer clothing and other humane essentials(just a lot more than I would normally need). I sigh to myself and throw my bag on my bed, a quick nap couldn't hurt.
ADELINE
I step into the pool, instead of the solid ground I expect to feel, I'm free falling. I scream to myself as I look down, I barely recognize the area. It's a city filled to the brim with skyscrapers and shops.
Earth
I'm merely a messenger, I am not permitted to be here, I'm falling towards a poorer part of town, only a hundred meters away I realize I'll die if I don't use my wings, I unfurl them only with enough time to lessen the impact of my landing a bit, I land on one of my wings and struggle to get to my feet. Everything hurts, blood is streaming from the wing I fell on, I'v never bleed before, heaven is a eternally safe place for angels, earth is almost as dangerous as hell for an angel, I'm much weaker now, I can feel hunger in my stomach, thirst in my throat, and I'm absolutely exhausted. I finally manage to stand up straight. A small girl, probably eight years old is looking at me with wide eyes.
"H-hello" I say.
"Are you a devil?" She asks quietly, hugging her stuffed doll to her chest. My own eyes widen, demon? I realize my bloody wing is almost completely stained red now, I can't blame the girl.
"N-no" I say. I bring my wings close to my back, tucking them close to my skin before allowing them to absorb into my back, I look more human now, I hope the child will believe her eyes were just playing tricks on her. I smile at her, and kneel next to her. I do my best to use my weaker aura to comfort her. Her grip on her doll loosens and she looks curiously at me.
"Would you mind telling me where I am?" I ask her. She shrugs her shoulders. I sigh.
"You should head home, okay?" I ask her. She smiles and nods her head before running off.
I glance up at the bustling city before me, I've fallen in a very dim alley between two office buildings, hopefully that was enough to disguise my descent.
"God help me" I mutter and stumble to my feet. My first order of business is finding somewhere safe to stay the night, and then find something to eat.
I walk the pavement for a few miles, gaining some odd looks from passerby.
It's not long before I'm stopped by a man who seems to be about thirty years old.
"Hello, might I introduce myself?" He inquires with a knowing smirk. U look wearily ahead of me and nod.
"My names Nicolas, what might yours be?" He smiles brightly.
In view of only facts and proper storytelling might I dare say that this man's advances to get to know me were by a rather obvious reason.
Angels are designed in view of a perfect human, I was physically very pleasing to the human eye, as my only flaw in their eyes was a little bit more of stomach fat around my lower organs that they viewed as abnormal for whatever peculiar reasoning.
"I'd really rather not" I muttered.
"You look deathly hungry might I at least take you out for lunch?" He pried.
I pondered it and figured we were in a busy enough area where risks weren't very high.
"Would it be possible to go somewhere nearby, I've been walking for a while now and rather not drive anywhere" I asked. He nodded I lead me to a small diner on the street corner, the majority of the tables were filled by customers and the staff looked quite busy. I offered him my name in exchange for the meal but as we were leaving he became near enraged when he thought I was lying no about not having a phone.
I left as soon as I could, which was after the manager came over to ask him to stop yelling and calm down.
Now I had to find a place to sleep. I was once again walking down the pavement where I my heart stopped and I felt sick in my stomach.
I wearily looked around and made eye contact with a brown eyed girl with a wicked smile and mischievous eyes. She crossed the street and neared me as I tried to regain my composer.
Her aura brought me unimaginable unease and it was obvious she was anciently old demon.
"Your looking quite pale darling, might I do anything to help?" She asked with a sickly sweet voice.
"I-I-oh my god-please" I couldn't form a coherent sentence and my vision was blurred as she lead me off somewhere.
Once we were a good distance away from where we originally stood she lowered her aura. My vision slowly came back, she was sitting criss-crossed in front of me drinking a box of apple juice looking exceedingly bored when I fully regained my composure.
"Why are you here?" I exclaimed, very obviously alarmed.
"Listen, I'm just here to look for a rouge and then I was planning to go back home, but then I see an angel walking across the street from me, is he sending angels to patrol earth now?" She asked, looking my eyes for answers.
I stayed silent.
"Sweetheart, just a faction of my aura made you blackout, I don't suggest you irk me" she suggested calmly, throwing her juice box to the side.
There was something quite ironic about a demon sitting cross-crossed and drinking apples juice but I couldn't find it in me to find it funny at the moment.
"As far as I'm concerned, there's no patrols on earth, although I wouldn't blame our father, you boss has clearly broken the rules on multiple occasions" I spit back.
She smiled at me and laughed lightly at her boss's carelessness.
"He certainly has a problem with listening, to anyone really" she muttered before standing up.
"Why are you here anyway?" She tilted her head to the side.
"I'm delivering a message" I half lied.

-Unfinished btw-
howaboutno
Name: Liz Piekarski
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Re: Just looking for some critiquing on my opening chapter

Postby crit19292 » Tue May 16, 2017 10:55 am

I am sitting here attempting to give you good advice, but finding myself at a loss. What you wrote is not bad. I did spot some grammar errors, but only a few. It was not your mechanics that bothered me.

The best way for me to state my opinion is that your style is wearing. While it starts out fresh and different, it quickly becomes annoying. My suggestion would be to make Adeline more formal and sweet in her narration. This would be a clear contrast between her and Lotus, preventing any confusion in who is speaking. It would also give your readers a break from the harshness of Lotus, giving them a chance to miss her and wanting to again spend time with her.

I hope this helps.
I will not deny myself having my opinions.
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crit19292
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Re: Just looking for some critiquing on my opening chapter

Postby howaboutno » Tue May 16, 2017 11:05 am

Thank you! I'll definitely rework her character a bit!
howaboutno
Name: Liz Piekarski
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Re: Just looking for some critiquing on my opening chapter

Postby crit33888 » Sun Oct 15, 2017 6:06 pm

Don't have the time to read through the whole thing but I read the first few paragraphs and your writing seemed fine to me. Just a small sample but you're definitely better than you think!
crit33888
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