Chapter 1 First Draft

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Chapter 1 First Draft

Postby crit33303 » Tue Apr 11, 2017 9:23 pm

Hello Critters,
So I've been torn between the start of chapter one and the perspective I'm going to take. Its been rather difficult to pace myself as I write. Although I know its a draft which I will eventually return to for revisions, I cant seem to shake the feeling that I'm vomiting words to quickly and not really explaining the bigger picture. :shock: . Again I want to advise that this is a rough draft so editing wasn't on my agenda at the time.
Thank you in advance for your time! ;)
Chapter one Preview:

Chapter One
It is the first day of class, Kendra finds herself shuffling threw her oak dresser where she finds a pink t-shirt to match her pink converse sneakers. She then runs down the stairs and grabs her favorite jacket and rushes towards the door, not before hearing her mother yell from the kitchen, “are you at least going to grab some breakfast for the road”. Kendra walks to the kitchen and grabbed a slice of toast off of her mother’s plate, stuffed it in her mouth and ran out the door.
Outside Kendra walks towards Nina, her childhood friend and hops into the front seat of Nina’s Fire red Camaro. Nina asks Kendra “Are you ready for the first day of college life”, Kendra replied “of course”.
Kendra and Nina drive around for several minutes before spotting a parking space. Nina is ready to drive into the parking spot when she gets cut off by two boys. Nina jumps out of her car furious and demands the boys to move. One of the boys looked over at Nina and says “if you say please”. At that moment Kendra gets out of the car and tells Nina “let’s just find another parking spot”. Nina rolled her eyes and began to walk back to her car when the boy added “peaches you should listen to the smart one”. Nina’s hazel brown eyes turned fire red and with just one glance towards them she set the car upon fire. Kendra’s eyes opened wide and she looked over to Nina and shook her head and thought to herself, this can’t be happening right now. Kendra pissed off grabbed her backpack from the front seat of the car and began walking towards the school, leaving Nina to deal with her own mess.
At the school Kendra walked straight to the admissions office, once there she walked up to the front desk and asked for Freshman 101 with Mrs. Terra. The lady at the front desk looked up and says, Oh that is in the Gates building across campus. The lady grabs a map and points Kendra towards the building. Kendra walked outside looking at her map when she looked up she finds bright blue eyes staring into hers. She soon comes to realize that those blue eyes belonged to one of the boys in the car. Kendra a bit uneasy puts her head down and walked around past him.
The boy yells I’m sorry about my buddy he’s a bit eccentric. Kendra stopped and turned around and says, “a bit! Really!” The boy walked closer to Kendra and extended his hand and says, “My name is Cameron, nice to meet you”. Hesitant she extended her hand towards him and said, “I’m Kendra”.
Cameron offered Kendra help getting around campus, right when Kendra was about to say yes, Nina appeared out of nowhere and says, “She doesn’t need your help” and grabbed Kendra by the arm and dragged her away. Cameron with a smirk on his face yells, Nice to meet you Kendra, by the way the Gates building is in the other direction. Nina turned around and began walking towards the Gates building not before flipping Cameron the bird.
At the Gates building Kendra looks at Nina and says “these outbursts you are having need to stop”. Nina smiling says yes mother, Kendra looked right into Nina’s eyes and said “I’m serious Nina”. Nina then realized Kendra wasn’t in the mood for her sarcasm and shook her head and added “but come on you know pretty boy deserved that, besides I’m sure mommy and daddy will get him a new car”. Trying to hide a smile Kendra busted out laughing and whispered “you’re probably right but you have to learn to control it”. Kendra added “we are among muggles that don’t know people like us exist.”
Once they arrived at the Gates building Kendra looks at Nina and says “see you at 11:00 we will grab lunch.” Nina nodded and continued down the hall. Kendra walked into the class room and found an open seat on the second row. The girl next to Kendra was very quiet and didn’t even look over to acknowledge that someone was sitting next to her. She had turquoise colored hair and long skinny fingers in her hands she held an old looking book which she continued to read in silence. As Kendra organized herself and finally sat down she hears a very low-pitch voice say, “good morning everyone my name is Abigail Terra you can call me Dr. T.” Kendra looks up to see who was talking and with the corner of her eye she sees someone walking into the class. Kendra glanced over and realized it was Cameron. Kendra looked away quickly as if she hadn’t seen him. As Dr. T began going over the class syllabus Cameron sat behind Kendra and whispered, “I think you are following me.” Looking straight ahead Kendra smiled but quickly put her poker face back on and replied “I was here first.”
Dr. T finished going over the Syllabus and added “Ok class please fill out the sheet on your table and return them to me after the introductions. We are going to start on this side of the room” pointing to the left side of the room “and we are going to introduce ourselves.”
As the introductions started Kendra began twitching her legs nervous, Cameron put his hand on her shoulder and whispered “just breathe and imagine everyone is wearing bunny onesies.” Kendra giggled but continued to twitch in her seat. In a matter of minutes the girl next to Kendra got up from her seat and introduced herself. “Hello everyone my name is Rosemary and I am from Greenwich Connecticut.” As Rosemary sat down Kendra got up and quickly introduced herself. “Hi, my name is Kendra and I’m from Mantoloking New Jersey. The introductions continued toward Cameron and with ease he got up from his chair and began by saying “It’s very nice to be here today, my name is Cameron, and I’m from Chicago, Illinois. Old Town to be exact, I can’t wait to get the semester started” Dr. T looked over at him with such promise as he sat down.
Dr. T followed the introductions by stating the basics of the class. She explained what the class is for and why it was mandatory for all students to take this class their first year. She also encouraged the students to walk around and get to know one another. The rest the class consisted of filling out paperwork for their file.
Rosemary got up and walked up towards the front of the class, she gave her papers to Dr. T and walked out of the classroom. Cameron realized she was done so he got up from where he was sitting and sat next to Kendra. Kendra looked over and smirked and said “why are you here? I mean was this really your first class” Cameron added “Well yeah, besides I needed someone to join me for lunch.” Still filling out paperwork she replied “sorry I’m meeting Nina for lunch.” She then grabbed her bag and papers and began walking to the front of the class where she handed Dr. T the papers and walked out.
In the hall Kendra walked quickly and turn onto the next corridor to her right, hoping Cameron wasn’t following. As she continued walking she found herself heading to a dead end, as she approached the end of the hall she could see two beautiful mahogany doors with stunning ancient carvings. The doors depicted a grand oak tree with a gorgeous landscape along the bottom. As Kendra observed the carvings on the door she could hear Nina in the background calling her name. It was very faint until Nina put her hands on her shoulder. Kendra jumped as if being pulled back to reality. Nina asked “what are you staring at?” Kendra turned around replied “at that beautiful door” Nina confused looked at the wall and then looked right back at Kendra. “What are you talking about Kendra, there is nothing there but a wall” Kendra looked back to find that the beautiful doors were not there anymore. Kendra flipped her hair sort of confused and just walked away.
At the campus café shop Kendra and Nina ordered their lunch and sat at an outdoor table while they waited for their order to be called. As they each sat at the table looking at their phones they were joined by Cameron and Adam. Nina looked up and instantly began to change color. She recognized Adam from the parking lot, she says to Adam, “I’ve had about enough of you!” Adam chuckled and replied “Come on I admit we started off on the wrong foot but I’m here to apologize and right my wrongs, besides you set my car on fire.” Kendra’s eyes opened wide as if she was busted for a crime. Nina answered in a cool tone “you should have gotten a tune-up and your car wouldn’t have caught on fire.” Adam shook his head as if agreeing with her. At that moment the buzzer went off alerting them that their lunch was ready. Nina got up from the table and walked to the counter, she grabbed the tray and returned to the table. Nina asked Adam “What is the point of you being here, I will make your life a living hell and your buddy over there will never have a chance with Kendra so let it go!” Cameron and Adam just looked at each other amused. Cameron told Kendra “See you when your bodyguard isn’t around” and they both got up from the table. Right before walking away from the table Adam leans over and whispers in Nina’s ear “Game on!” and twirled his finger three time to the right and snapped. Nina then felt something moving around her legs. When she looked under the table there were vines wrapping around her ankles.
Kendra looks at Nina in shock, her eyes widened in disbelief. She says to Nina “Adam can manipulate the earth.” Nina in an annoyed tone replies “I noticed that Kendra.” Nina swiped her hand over the vine, the vines shriveled up to a crisp which covered Nina’s feet in ash. Kendra rubbing her temple in deep thought looks up at Nina and says “My mother told me that there weren’t many earth elementals left, what are the odds that there is one here” Nina bit into her turkey avocado Panini and said “ I guess we need to have a talk with our parents.”
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Re: Chapter 1 First Draft

Postby crit19292 » Wed Apr 12, 2017 10:49 am

I do my best to preach: edit, edit, edit. You should not show off a manuscript early just like you would not go out until fully dressed.

My first comment is that you wrote an outline. They did that, they said some things, then they did this. There is no real narration with personality, but just a simple detail of events and conversation.

You first need to determine who is telling the story. This will give some bias along with some understanding and trust of the tale. Further, it should give some entertainment value to the narration.

The second task is to describe your people and setting. Give your readers some images of who they are paying attention to and their surroundings. Note that your narrator can add little details that can flavor the presentation of facts.

I would also say that there is a step three, which is to give a sense of importance to the scene. You have the plants at the end basically appear on the floor of a business (where did they come from?). Just how common is this? I do not know whether this is just a regular prank or a major show of power (as is Nina's removal of the plants).

I hope these comments help.
I will not deny myself having my opinions.
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Re: Chapter 1 First Draft

Postby crit33303 » Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:47 pm

Ironically that what i was looking for with my first draft. I needed direction so i could branch off. I agree with you 100% Thank you so much, your insight has been a pointer in the right direction...
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